Parenting Tip (a Kindermusik perk!)

This tip is about how to get a child to do what YOU want them to do! You know that's a tall order. They seem to sniff it out when you have an agenda....then they have a WILL!

No tip is perfect or fool proof but practice does improve this technique and your relationship always benefits so give it more than one try.

We call this "Scaffolding". Here are the main steps:

• imitate and label
• suggest a doable variation
• give informational feedback

So in class they come back from the basket of jingle bells shaking, shaking, shaking. You imitate saying "Shake, shake, shake your bells!" You can tell you have their attention, watch their eyes. Next you say "Can you shake them fast?" while you model fast. Usually they jump right in. Now's your chance to offer informational feedback "I see you shaking them fast." or "Wow, that's fast."

Many times we respond with these words: "Good job!" and that's the behavior modification technique that was modeled to me as I did training in college to be a music teacher. (That was way back!) So for me "Good job!" just jumps out of my mouth!

Over the years I've watched these words strike fear in my young students. I've seen children throw their bells, slam down their glockenspiel mallets, hide under chairs, dive into mothers' laps... I've asked myself why????? My intention was to increase self esteem, confidence, to praise the right action or right answer. Why then such a strong reaction in some children to those words.

Alfie Kohn worte "Punished by Rewards", a book that I found at a used book sale years ago. This book changed my teaching. It changed my understanding of children and adults and their reaction to praise.

As a reaction to "Good job!" children and adults will on some level wonder if they can possibly keep up such good work! And they will look on the praise as a sign of conditional love. "If I can't do such a good job next time will my teacher still like me?" A large part of the fear and stress evolves from the lack of information on which the praising adult is basing the judgment.

The alternative is very simple. Say what you see. Leave out the judgment. "You are shaking the bells fast!" "You are picking up your toys!" "Your hands are clean."

That's really ALL you have to do. They LOVE it when you notice!

So actually that was Parenting Tip #2. To get back to #1 and the 3 steps above, you can keep repeating steps 2 and 3 until you have met your objective or you both tire of the game.

"I see you wiggle your toes" (as you wiggle yours).
"Can you wiggle them all the way over to your boots?"
"Oh, you are wiggling slowly!"
"You are getting close!"
"Can you wiggle them down in the toe of your boot?"
"Wow, I see stomping feet!"
"I wonder if we can jump all the way to the car?"............

Add a song for special effects!

Now you try!

Keep singing and twirling,
Yvette