That word: CONTROL

What do you think of when you hear that word? Does a "controlling" person come to mind? Have you been called "controlling"? Seems like a popular dysfunction!

Ever thought that your child was controlling?

(Did I just hear a collective sarcastic chuckle?)

Years ago at a La Leche League meeting (a place where I very carefully gathered all the wisdom I could) I was guided to a book called "Motherhood Stress" by Deborah Shaw Lewis. The very first paragraph described my stress exactly. Mom, with shopping list in hand is going downstairs, infant in arms and just behind the toddler who is in the "me do it" stage. The phone rings, you were hoping to get to the store and back before lunch and naps, so you shoulder the phone to your ear while trying to catch the toddler who is mad because she wants to wear her pretty shoes and you can only find one.... and get the snowsuit on the infant. Finally toddler is buckled in and you hear a sound from the baby that means you definitely must change diapers and probably the full outfit so back in you go. It's after the second try that as you buckle the baby in the toddler announces that she has to tinkle.....The mom unbuckles everyone and heads back in the house where she sits on the floor and cries, having given up the grocery errand all together.

Now that's stress as I felt it. After that paragraph (which I only attempted to paraphrase as I remember it--it's been I think at least 15 years since I've read that book--the author defines stress: The feeling of not having control over your situation.

Control. Hmmmm.

Does that apply to everyone? Moms and dads? CEO's? The woman at the cash register? Teachers? Business owners? Children who are expected to sit still at the table and eat the food in front of them with no choice in the matter?

Just before the holidays I got to say to parents of the toddlers in my classes a statement that is in my Kindermusik teacher's guide that goes something like this: Studies show that young children who experience the opportunities to control (in a safe environment) at a young age are more likely to accept responsibility for their actions as the are teens. "Lead through that sugar and tea, now, Lead through that candy"...the child takes the adult by the hand and weaves under the arched windows of the circle of children and their adults. The child is in control, it's fun and safe.

Lesson one: You don't have to be bigger to be in control. A good lesson for learning before you're a teen on how to handle peer pressure, don't you think?

Lesson two: We need community and community needs us.

Lesson three: We can lead and it feels good to lead. There is a certain freedom in being in control but at the same time we see that our actions affect others.

Lesson four:Our need for a sense of control over our lives begins at an early age.

Lesson five: When a child, as a leader, sees others following he gains confidence and may develop a sense of freedom for expanding expression of creativity.

Lesson to parents: If a child goes through periods of being more controlling (especially around ages 2-3 1/2, 5 year olds, and again as teens) taking away choices or giving choices that are not real (meaning the child really doesn't feel as if he actually has a choice. ie: "You either pick up your toys or take a time out!") will most likely just turn up the heat on your battle. The child feels out of control of his own life!

If you want to teach good negotiation skills help your children to be in control of their lives, help them find a way to choose to do the right things. "You can either pick up your toys now or finish playing and put your toys away in 15 minutes when the timer rings. Which do you choose?"

I think most parents' arguments to this thinking goes something like this: "This takes too much time! I need these things done right away when I ask!" This is the way our society is today there really isn't enough time to plan telling the children ahead enough to give them choices takes time and creativity on the part of the adults. We really are too busy.

Well then at least we can see one of the costs of this busy life. We make that choice and we do what we need to do to feel in control.

Take a breath!

Peace,
Yvette
p.s. I should mention that a lot of my ideas on negotiation come from Marshall Rosenburg's book: Non Violent Communciation (a great source for improving all relationships)