"How do you do?"

In our little baby class (Kindermusik Village) we've been doing a little greeting ritual. The grown ups are holding the babies while we meet, greet and shake hands with one another. The babies are taking their job seriously: they study all the adult faces. You can almost hear them think as they look from mommy to mommy's friend or from mommy to a stranger. "So this is what it looks like when mommy greets her good friend." "And this is what she looks like when she is greeting someone new!" Some classes are lucky enough to have daddies to study.

We aren't born knowing how to make these facial expressions nor are we born knowing how to read them!

Did you know the FBI actually has to train their agents in face reading? It's really important. How good are you at reading your spouse's facial expressions?

In our culture today babies are generally too far away from the adults faces to do their studying. They are in the stroller, or the car seat, or the little seat on the grocery cart staring up at the lights. Sling babies have an advantage. They are right there soaking it all in.

I'd love to share more child development tidbits with families:
Free Kindermusik Village demo class for babies
Tuesday 9:30 9/29.
singandtwirl@gmail.com

Reserve your spot.

Raising Beautiful Children

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” - C.G. Jung

I have a t-shirt that says "We must be what we want our children to be." or something like that...I'd have to go in the laundry basket to quote it perfectly. Whenever I wear it I do so knowing how hard it is to believe it, act it and evangelize it! I always get a comment, a groan "Oh, that's a tall order." Or "We could never do that!"

Ghandi said "We must be the change we wish to see."

The day I do it perfectly is the day I achieve immortality! HA!!

But we continue to strive, grow, stumble, fall two (or more) steps backwards, and remind each other to keep trying, not to give up. It's worth the effort because it really will pay off in your relationship with your children. It's very worth it.

Teaching Kindermusik keeps this out front for me. I offer parents ways to be with their little ones with tools for careful observations, positive communications, nurturing creativity, deliberate guiding, and loving interactions. And everyday I go home and try to hone my own parenting skills, to do my practicum.

Keep in mind that I'm one step ahead! I'm trying to apply this to teenagers...and beyond! So far I'll say investing the time, energy, grace and creativity with your infants, toddlers and preschoolers is worth every bit of effort.

Did you know Kindermusik is a lot about parenting?

Parenting Tip (a Kindermusik perk!)

This tip is about how to get a child to do what YOU want them to do! You know that's a tall order. They seem to sniff it out when you have an agenda....then they have a WILL!

No tip is perfect or fool proof but practice does improve this technique and your relationship always benefits so give it more than one try.

We call this "Scaffolding". Here are the main steps:

• imitate and label
• suggest a doable variation
• give informational feedback

So in class they come back from the basket of jingle bells shaking, shaking, shaking. You imitate saying "Shake, shake, shake your bells!" You can tell you have their attention, watch their eyes. Next you say "Can you shake them fast?" while you model fast. Usually they jump right in. Now's your chance to offer informational feedback "I see you shaking them fast." or "Wow, that's fast."

Many times we respond with these words: "Good job!" and that's the behavior modification technique that was modeled to me as I did training in college to be a music teacher. (That was way back!) So for me "Good job!" just jumps out of my mouth!

Over the years I've watched these words strike fear in my young students. I've seen children throw their bells, slam down their glockenspiel mallets, hide under chairs, dive into mothers' laps... I've asked myself why????? My intention was to increase self esteem, confidence, to praise the right action or right answer. Why then such a strong reaction in some children to those words.

Alfie Kohn worte "Punished by Rewards", a book that I found at a used book sale years ago. This book changed my teaching. It changed my understanding of children and adults and their reaction to praise.

As a reaction to "Good job!" children and adults will on some level wonder if they can possibly keep up such good work! And they will look on the praise as a sign of conditional love. "If I can't do such a good job next time will my teacher still like me?" A large part of the fear and stress evolves from the lack of information on which the praising adult is basing the judgment.

The alternative is very simple. Say what you see. Leave out the judgment. "You are shaking the bells fast!" "You are picking up your toys!" "Your hands are clean."

That's really ALL you have to do. They LOVE it when you notice!

So actually that was Parenting Tip #2. To get back to #1 and the 3 steps above, you can keep repeating steps 2 and 3 until you have met your objective or you both tire of the game.

"I see you wiggle your toes" (as you wiggle yours).
"Can you wiggle them all the way over to your boots?"
"Oh, you are wiggling slowly!"
"You are getting close!"
"Can you wiggle them down in the toe of your boot?"
"Wow, I see stomping feet!"
"I wonder if we can jump all the way to the car?"............

Add a song for special effects!

Now you try!

Keep singing and twirling,
Yvette

That word: CONTROL

What do you think of when you hear that word? Does a "controlling" person come to mind? Have you been called "controlling"? Seems like a popular dysfunction!

Ever thought that your child was controlling?

(Did I just hear a collective sarcastic chuckle?)

Years ago at a La Leche League meeting (a place where I very carefully gathered all the wisdom I could) I was guided to a book called "Motherhood Stress" by Deborah Shaw Lewis. The very first paragraph described my stress exactly. Mom, with shopping list in hand is going downstairs, infant in arms and just behind the toddler who is in the "me do it" stage. The phone rings, you were hoping to get to the store and back before lunch and naps, so you shoulder the phone to your ear while trying to catch the toddler who is mad because she wants to wear her pretty shoes and you can only find one.... and get the snowsuit on the infant. Finally toddler is buckled in and you hear a sound from the baby that means you definitely must change diapers and probably the full outfit so back in you go. It's after the second try that as you buckle the baby in the toddler announces that she has to tinkle.....The mom unbuckles everyone and heads back in the house where she sits on the floor and cries, having given up the grocery errand all together.

Now that's stress as I felt it. After that paragraph (which I only attempted to paraphrase as I remember it--it's been I think at least 15 years since I've read that book--the author defines stress: The feeling of not having control over your situation.

Control. Hmmmm.

Does that apply to everyone? Moms and dads? CEO's? The woman at the cash register? Teachers? Business owners? Children who are expected to sit still at the table and eat the food in front of them with no choice in the matter?

Just before the holidays I got to say to parents of the toddlers in my classes a statement that is in my Kindermusik teacher's guide that goes something like this: Studies show that young children who experience the opportunities to control (in a safe environment) at a young age are more likely to accept responsibility for their actions as the are teens. "Lead through that sugar and tea, now, Lead through that candy"...the child takes the adult by the hand and weaves under the arched windows of the circle of children and their adults. The child is in control, it's fun and safe.

Lesson one: You don't have to be bigger to be in control. A good lesson for learning before you're a teen on how to handle peer pressure, don't you think?

Lesson two: We need community and community needs us.

Lesson three: We can lead and it feels good to lead. There is a certain freedom in being in control but at the same time we see that our actions affect others.

Lesson four:Our need for a sense of control over our lives begins at an early age.

Lesson five: When a child, as a leader, sees others following he gains confidence and may develop a sense of freedom for expanding expression of creativity.

Lesson to parents: If a child goes through periods of being more controlling (especially around ages 2-3 1/2, 5 year olds, and again as teens) taking away choices or giving choices that are not real (meaning the child really doesn't feel as if he actually has a choice. ie: "You either pick up your toys or take a time out!") will most likely just turn up the heat on your battle. The child feels out of control of his own life!

If you want to teach good negotiation skills help your children to be in control of their lives, help them find a way to choose to do the right things. "You can either pick up your toys now or finish playing and put your toys away in 15 minutes when the timer rings. Which do you choose?"

I think most parents' arguments to this thinking goes something like this: "This takes too much time! I need these things done right away when I ask!" This is the way our society is today there really isn't enough time to plan telling the children ahead enough to give them choices takes time and creativity on the part of the adults. We really are too busy.

Well then at least we can see one of the costs of this busy life. We make that choice and we do what we need to do to feel in control.

Take a breath!

Peace,
Yvette
p.s. I should mention that a lot of my ideas on negotiation come from Marshall Rosenburg's book: Non Violent Communciation (a great source for improving all relationships)

Thinking...How Children Think:

Young children think in pictures. You say "Dog" and they see an image of a dog in their mind. Some words just don't have pictures on their own and take time for children to develop a way to think these words. I remember the challenge Anne had with words like "yesterday", "before", and "no!".

Jill Molli spoke to Kindermusik educators last week at our international convention in Raleigh, NC. She is a dynamite speaker for Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline approach to working with children. I was already a fan of Becky Bailey since she presented her ideas to us at last year's convention and I was so glad to hear Jill Molli... I'd listen all day for weeks...It's such good stuff.

So here's one tidbit about what she said for helping children learn when they still predominantly think in pictures. If you say "Don't run!" the only picture children will come up with is an image of their own feet running! There's no picture at all for "don't". What's so dangerous about saying "Don't run!" is that not only that they can't help but run, but mostly that we feel so strongly that they are disobeying the adult in charge. Things only escalate from there...and now we have a power struggle.

Let's head that tantrum off at the pass (my adult tantrum too!) and avoid expecting children to think more maturely than they are able.

Say:
"Eat your potatoes" instead of "Don't dawdle"
"Sit down" instead of "Quit bouncing around"
"Put your feet here" instead of "Stop fooling around"

Do you get the idea? It makes sense to me. Let me know what you think about this idea...I'd love to hear your comments.

Peace,
Yvette